Oh man, he dreaded word of trust. The make or break of relationships.
The definition of trust is A) to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of B) to place confidence in: rely on.
So, I think the biggest debate on trust I have encountered is this: Is trust earned, or just given until broken? Can you trust someone without them earning it? Once trust is broken can it be earned back?
I think the best analogy I have come across for this is a broken plate or cup. Once you break it you can for sure glue it back together. But will it ever be the same as before it was broken? Absolutely not! There will still be cracks.
For me personally, trust has to be earned. Someone has to show me I can trust them. I have been hurt far too many times, for trust to be just given in the beginning. However, if I give you my trust and you break it…game over! I know myself well enough that I will never be able to trust you again, once you break my trust. I know not everyone operates this way, but for me this is how it is. Don’t get me wrong, I can forgive. I will forgive you, but not to the point that I want you in my life.
Trust is the foundation of all relationships. Whether it be family, friends, significant others, husbands, wives, etc. If you cannot trust the person on the other end of the relationship, there is no relationship. I am an empath. Therefore, I always think about how my actions will affect the person I am with before I do anything. Not everyone thinks like this. Most people do what they want in the moment without thought of how it will affect the other party involved.
My counselor explained it to me like this “If you have nothing to hide, there is nothing to hide.” Period, that simple. I may be alone in this and that is okay, but to me hiding something intentionally is the same as lying about it. Usually the two-go hand in hand. In my experience if you are hiding something from someone, it is because you know you shouldn’t be doing it. You don’t want to “hurt” them by your actions, or you know they won’t like what you are doing. So instead of being open about it you hide it. Then when it comes to light, because it always does eventually, you lie about it to protect yourself.
One of my favorite sayings I have seen recently, only because it is so true, is this: “People don’t lie to you because they are worried about hurting your feelings, they lie because the truth might cause you to make decisions they won’t like.” Please read than again and again. No one will ever lie to you to benefit you; they will lie to you to benefit themselves.
While some of you are thinking that if you truly love someone, you can forgive them and trust them again. Yes, I used to think the same thing. In my experience once that trust is broken it never is the same. There is no amount of love that is going to repair that damage. You have to love yourself enough to know your worth. Stick to your boundaries. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of. It is proven that people will continue to do the same thing over and over again, even if it is wrong and damaging their relationship, as long as they know they will not have any consequences for it. So, yes you can try to trust someone again, just know in most cases they will feel like they “got away” with it once, so why not do it again.
The sad part about it is that you can be the most loving, forgiving, caring person in the world and be the one that gets shit on the most. When you start to care more about your own peace and happiness you will feel so much lighter. Know what you will accept and not, and never make exceptions. Every time you make an exception to what you are willing to accept for yourself, you are only cheating yourself.
The time you let someone cross your boundaries, lie to you, hide things from you and let them get away with it, is the time you are in the midst of hot mess mode. When you set your expectations, boundaries, respect for yourself and stick to it, then you have entered goddess mode.
I recently had a friend go through a situation where she caught a guy, she was seeing making several calls to ex-girlfriend at all hours of the day. Most of the time while he was at work. But several times during the night between 11:00 p.m. and 2:30 a.m. When confronted by this he immediately lied and said he hadn’t talked to her in months. With the proof right in front of her, she instantly knew not only that he had done this, hid it from her and now was lying about it. BIG red flag! Of course, he had several excuses for why he was calling her, which none mattered. The facts were the facts. He had been calling his ex at all hours of the day, hiding it from the girl he was seeing and then bull face lied about doing it.
Ladies, we all deserve better than this. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that a man needs to call his ex-girlfriend behind your back at all hours of the day, and then lie about doing it. We all need to remember that love is actions, not words. Someone can tell you they love you until they are blue in the face, but if they are lying to you and hiding things from you, they do not love you. These are not actions of love.
Do people make mistakes? Yes. Calling an ex one time is a mistake, as long as it is not repeated. Coming clean about the mistake without hiding it is even better. This is likely to be forgiven easily, with minimal loss of trust. That could possibly be repaired over time. Calling them 20 times in two weeks is not a mistake. It is an intentional action with no worry about consequence, assuming they won’t get caught.
In this journey of life there will be a lot of ups and downs. People will come and go. People will be good and bad. You get to choose who gets to be a part of your life and who doesn’t. You get to decide what is right and what is wrong in your life. You do not owe anyone else an explanation, nor a second chance if they do something to wrong you. On the road from hot mess to goddess decide what you want and don’t want. If you need to write these things down, do it. Never settle for less than what you want and deserve.
