Boundaries are tricky. Some would consider another person’s boundary an ultimatum. Others would think someone setting boundaries for themselves is being controlling or mean. So how do we set boundaries without creating chaos?

The definition of a boundary is simply: something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent. So, when you are setting a boundary for yourself. It is simply something that indicates what you are okay with or not. That simple. Not everyone has to agree with your boundaries, but they should respect them.

On the other hand, the definition of an ultimatum is: a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or breakdown in relations.

So how do we draw the line between setting healthy boundaries for ourselves without making it an ultimatum for the other party involved? This is where it gets tricky. If you are setting a boundary that is a make or break for you and the other party isn’t in agreement to adhere to your boundary, then what?

A boundary is meant to protect your personal or mental space. It is something you set in place for your own peace. Think of it like a fence separating your yard from your neighbors. Healthy relationships come with healthy boundaries. Now there are definitely unhealthy boundaries as well.

So how do we decipher the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy boundary? I guess the easiest way to figure that out is do you feel like you have a voice/opinion in the situation? Are you allowing the other person involved to have a voice/opinion? You must be able to say no, as well as accept when the other party says no to have healthy boundaries. If you do not you are in an unhealthy boundary situation.

I spent the longest time feeling like I couldn’t set boundaries for myself. This was no one person’s fault other than my own. I was a people pleaser, and felt like if I said no, or didn’t just go along with what others wanted I wouldn’t be accepted. Well let me tell you ladies, I am well past that point. On my journey from Hotmess to Goddess, I absolutely gave up on people pleasing and learned to set boundaries. Did I make some people mad, and lose some people doing this? Of course, I did.

Here is the thing. If you are setting reasonable boundaries for yourself and the other person involved does not respect you enough to respect that boundary, they are not meant to be in your life. People come and go from our lives all the time. People are placed in our lives for a reason. Most of them not to be around for a lifetime. One thing I have learned is not to rely on people sticking around. The once that do are your people and care for you as much as you care for them.

Now when I am talking about setting boundaries, I am in no way saying that you should set a boundary that controls or changes another person. We all have choices to make in life. We must decide what is healthy for us, that we are willing to live with and what we aren’t. It takes an extreme amount of self-respect to be able to set a boundary for yourself and stick to it. You must be okay with people who do not want to respect it, and the chance they will no longer be in your life. For me this is the hardest thing to accept. It feels at times that you must make the choice between respecting yourself and keeping someone, you want in your life. Always choose yourself. You are the only one that you can truly count on to have your best interests at heart.

I have said this before, but it is important enough to repeat, once someone shows you who they are believe them. Talk is cheap. People can tell you whatever you want to hear, or they think you want to hear. But actions do not lie. So, when I say “shows you” I mean with their actions. Trust your gut instincts and watch the actions of those around you. I promise once you take these two steps, you will be able to tell very early on in talking to someone if they mean what they say or are just stringing you along.

In Hotmess mode what I see the most is the need for someone else to validate us. This is when we are at our most vulnerable and generally ignore our gut instincts, or the other’s actions. We want to believe everything they say, because it gives us validation. When the only validation you need is your own, it will free you from the toxicity others bring to you. You will be pickier about who you allow in your life, and the right people will be by your side. This is where you enter Goddess mode and find peace.