Anyone that has ever been through a breakup knows that it is hard. One of the hardest things to go through in life. Is there a right or wrong to how to move on? Absolutely not!
Everyone deals with things in life differently. What is not fair is the amount of judgement people receive for how they choose to heal. Whether they move on quickly or stay single after a breakup does not determine the kind of person they are. Nor how faithful they were in the relationship. There are far too many judgements when it comes to break ups. I notice this a lot on TikTok lately. The number of trends that go around about break ups is ridiculous. Why does anyone feel the right to judge another person for how they choose to live their life?
I see things like “Have you ever noticed the one that stays single was the loyal one.” “If I moved on too quick for you just know I mourned the loss of our relationship long before I walked away.”
The stages of breakups are hard and different for everyone. So why would you make it more difficult on the person suffering by judging them? Honestly! I will never understand this. I am sure that even if it is your family member, best friend, child, parent, or whomever is close to you, you still do not know the full story. What happens behind closed doors is not always going to come out. How someone feels about their past relationship is not wrong and no one has the right to judge them for feeling this way.
My sister for example just left a relationship she was in for nine years. To the outside world she moved on very quickly. As, she is happily married now after a few months, to a different man. One that makes her incredibly happy. Seeing the smile on her face every time we Facetime, or Snapchat each other is all I need to know. However, again I ask why is there any judgement whatsoever for this? I cannot speak for her, but my love for my sister is unconditional, which means I support her in all her life decisions. I trust that she is doing what is best for her and her life. Our support for the people we love in our lives is the most important thing.
When I went through my divorce, after being married for 17 years with two kids. I took months to just process and take care of my kids. I had a house to sell, move my kids, pack of his stuff for him to pick up out of the garage, work, school activities, homework, and sports. I was in complete survival mode and still taking care of my kids and everything I needed to. All while he was living with his new girlfriend and her family and not seeing his kids at all. He did not attend a single school or sporting event for over a year. Once I got our house sold and the kids and I moved into our new place, I started on dating apps. In no way shape or form was I wanting a relationship, but I was trying to fill a void. I went through a serious hoe stage. I was just using men as an object for fun to help me heal. After six months of healing in the way I chose to heal and believe in myself a lot of judgement along the way. I met the man I would spend the next three and half years with.
I make no apologies for the six months of my life that I healed in the way I felt necessary. I had been married to someone who treated me poorly and cheated. I did what I needed to, in order to get my self-esteem back. I still managed to hold a job, take care of kids, pay my bills, keep my son in hockey, attend school events and feed my kids. Not a single person chose to see everything I was dealing with emotionally, but still managed to take care of my shit. Yet, they had no issue judging me for partying and going through my hoe stage.
After this stage when I met the man, I spent the next three and half years with. I obviously continued being the mom I needed to be for my kids. But I was not gone a few nights a week anymore. I was home all the time. Yet, I was still being judged for my healing process. It is completely unfair to judge someone for healing the way they feel necessary. Until you go through the same exact thing they are going through, you have no idea how poorly they are doing emotionally.
When I chose to leave my three- and half-year relationship, I was devastated. I had invested everything I had to give into this relationship. To receive little to nothing in return. When I told him my son and I were moving out there was literally no emotion on his face. All he said to me was “Ok.” As I sat and cried, packing my things in the house for the movers to come two days later. He sat on his phone like it was a normal day. I moved out on a Wednesday, by Friday I received a message from a friend saying they had just come across his profile on a dating app. I wish I were surprised but I was not. I quickly knew that I had wasted my time giving so much to someone that never felt the same way back. But do I have the right to judge how he is choosing to heal from this breakup? No, I do not.
Shortly after I moved out, I went to an event with a few of our mutual friends. I had a guy friend with me. These ladies quickly made all kinds of assumptions. They asked a million questions and reported back that I was seeing someone already. I felt betrayed to say the least. Judged once again. Who are they to judge me? Why would they judge me? Why did it matter I had left that relationship? It quickly turned to accusing me of being with someone prior to leaving the relationship. I can tell you I have never and will never cheat. That is just not who I am. I hold my morals high. I had told not only my friends, but the guy friend that was with me, that I was not looking for a relationship. I had made that clear to everyone. I was absolutely still healing and not looking to move forward.
I start to shut out people because of judgements. If I feel like someone is judging me, I am quick to just cut them off. For me I would rather lose a “friendship” than be judged by someone that is supposed to be my friend. I have lost many friends over this. But to me they are not true friends if they can’t support me and accept me for who I am.
This same guy friend that was with me the night of the event, has been by my side through all my healing. He has been patient, caring, giving, understanding, and a great supporter of my son through his healing. Yet because my past relationships have messed my emotions up so badly, I don’t even know how to receive this kind of treatment. He has been stuck friend zoned for months, while picking up pieces he didn’t break. I asked my counselor last week if I was blocking something from moving forward with him out of fear. She said I most likely was. She asked me this question: What is wrong with just letting things flow, instead of trying to predict the outcome? She also said that whatever I choose to do in my life, is just that my choice.
Goddess’s, the moral of the story is do you what makes you happy. Screw all the judgements. Screw all the fears. You are the only one that selects the path you want to take. Your friends, family, co-workers, kids, exes, do not have to approve or agree. You are the one that will live with the happiness or sadness of your decisions. We only get this one life to live and there are no do overs. Be happy every chance you get. Do not look backwards. Do not feed into judgements. The more you love yourself, the easier it will be to live the life you want to live.
Stop judging! If you find yourself judging one of the people close to you, please apologize to them. We need to do better at not making assumptions. A lot of judgement comes from little fact and a lot of guessing. Make sure that your life is perfect before you try to correct some one else’s choices. This world would be a much better place if we took the time to care for people and what they are going through. Rather than demean them, or shame them for choices they make. We are only in charge of our own actions. Focusing on what we can do ourselves, should be our only focus. Not trying to fix something for someone else.
As always if you have something going on you want to discuss, please reach out to me.
