Have you ever heard something about yourself that came from someone you haven’t talked to in years?  Yes, I said years.  It is absolutely baffling to me the people who think they have the right or the know about someone that haven’t even spoken to in years to be able to say bad things about them.  “She’s always been that way”.  Is a big one that I hear.  Really no.  I know that I evolve and change, because I am always self-analyzing and working on becoming better.

I was married to my kid’s dad for 17 years.  That is a long time.  Did I know him inside and out while we were married?  Of course, I did!  We haven’t been together for over 4 years now.  If someone came and asked me something about him, there is no way I would be able to honestly answer.  I have no idea who that man is today.  I could tell you who he was when we were together.  But people do evolve, they change.  Whether they want to or not people do change.  Not always for the good and not always for the bad.

I heard a saying the other day that said “I don’t care if you used to know me or not.  If you’re not in my life right now you don’t know shit!”  Wow! Did this his home for me.  I can tell you I am not even close to the same person I was five months ago, let alone years ago.  I am someone that is always working on myself.  I take things that happen to me and even the people close to me and use them as tools.  I want to be the absolute best version of myself.  If I am not working toward this, then who is?

On the other hand, I do believe that there are a lot of people out there that do not work on themselves.  Do I think they change?  Yes.  The ones that do not work on themselves still do change, but generally not for the better. 

Here is what I have learned.  If someone is always playing the victim in situations, blaming other, or just have no idea why bad things happen to them.  They have not done any work on themselves.  I know bad things happen to people and sometimes the above happen.  But, if they are continuously happening, please look internally.  If you feel like you just have bad luck or are always getting shit on.  Please look at yourself very closely.

I have been through my fair share of shit.  But I have never looked at it in any other way than a learning experience.  What did I learn from this?  What can I do better next time?  The emphasis on I.  When you start asking yourself what you can do better next time.  You are working on yourself.  If you sit back and constantly say things like, they did this, they said that, they, they, they.  Blaming the other person in your story, this fixing nothing for you in the future.

This is super fine line.  Am I saying take the blame for bad things that happen to you? No.  Am I saying take responsibility for other people actions? No.  I am simply saying focus on yourself. Stay in your own lane.  Sweep off your own front porch.  Whatever cliché saying works for you.

Would I have been through some of the worst points in my life without the actions of others?  No.  Does blaming, or focusing on their wrong doings help me? No.  As they say, live and learn.  Remember you are in control of your life.  Another saying I saw the other day “You are the CEO of your life.  Hire, fire and promote accordingly”.  If someone treats you poorly or does you wrong.  Walk away.  It’s very simple.  Learn from your own mistakes and make better choices for yourself moving forward.

In my marriage I struggled with having a husband that cheated.  After this ended, I did everything I could to figure out where I went wrong.  What did I do to contribute to the end of my marriage?  Any relationship takes two to make it work.  Not one person single handedly can end a relationship.  I took what I learned about myself to my next relationship and worked extremely hard on not being the person I was before. 

While my next relationship didn’t work, it wasn’t for the same reasons.  In this relationship I was emotionally and mentally abused.  I am now taking what I learned from this relationship to watch for signs moving forward.  I am only getting stronger and wiser.  I am not a victim.  I do not blame my exes for the end of our relationships.  I played my role in the relationship the same as they did.  I allowed the things that happened to me to happen, more than once.  The old saying “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me”.  If you are constantly allowing things to happen over and over, that is on you, not the other person.  They have already shown you who they are.

I see over and over again ladies not sticking together.  Ladies backstabbing each other.  Talking badly about each other.  I have had people I consider friends telling my ex what I am doing.  Why?  What do you ladies gain from this?  I have had to remove some people that I considered close to me completely from my life for my own peace.  Those people may tell you they know who I am or what I am doing.  I will tell you unless you are in my life daily, you know nothing.  You know what I allow you to know.  Unless you are someone, I hold close and dear.  You don’t know me.  Right now, I can count on one hand the people that actually know what is happening in my life at the current moment.  So, if anyone other than one of those handful of people says something about me, they have no idea what they are talking about.

Please do not assume you know someone that you rarely talk to.  Focus on yourself.  Not one of us is perfect.  Nor do have a right to judge someone or talk about them behind their backs.  Some people are good at hiding what they are doing, or so they think.  My grandpa used to say “We live in a fishbowl.  Don’t do anything you don’t want everyone to know you did.”  This goes for saying things too.  It always comes out one way or another.  I truly am an open book for those that are interested.  If you have a question about something, I am happy to talk about it.  But never assume you know.

Yes, I let this get under my skin this time.  I am working on it.  I am still working on myself.  The work never stops.  I cannot control other people.  It is really frustrating when people make assumptions.  I am the best version of myself today and constantly working to become better.  The road from Hot Mess to Goddess is a bumpy one.  Sometimes we make U-turns and wind up in hot mess mode again.  That just means we turn ourselves back around working toward goddess mode.