It took me a few extra days this week to decide what to write about this week. I have so many things that come to light within a week. But, with Father’s Day this past weekend and being the child of an absent father I feel this is important to discuss.
Ladies, not everyone gets to experience all sides of this scenario. I grew up not ever knowing or spending any time with my father. My kid’s dad was always involved until we divorced and then went absent. My ex was a super active father, and his kids chose not to see him. I have friends with different scenarios as well. Every situation is unique. But one fact remains, kids growing up with an absent parent affects them well into their adult years.
I wrote recently about parental alienation. In a lot of cases I have seen this plays a huge role in why kids are forced to grow up with only one parent. If you are in a co-parenting situation, please set your feelings aside and let your kids love both parents. More so encourages them to have a relationship with their father.
The harsh truth (and I am going to hurt some feelings here) is, when a child grows up without a parent present the majority of their life it hinders their ability to form normal loving relationships. In addition, the chances of them allowing the absent parent back into their life later is not good. Again, every situation is different.
In my situation with my father, he was completely absent from my life until I turned 18. My mom and I never really talked about him. I knew he existed and what his name was, but that was about it. I never got to meet my grandparents on his side, nor any other extended family for that matter. I guess I always wondered why I wasn’t “good enough” or “important enough” for him to want to see me and talk to me. I didn’t realize I felt this way until way later in life. But the truth is I am good enough and important enough. His actions are not a reflection of me, they are a reflection of who he is.
After I turned 18, I formed a “relationship” of sorts with my father. More so like a friendship than a parent/child relationship. We talked regularly on the phone. Visited each other two times. I was living in Colorado at the time, and he was living in California. He would send cards for birthdays and Christmas for both my kids and me. But there was no real parent/child bond there. I can’t say that there is unconditional love like there should be between a child and a parent. This very well could be just me not feeling that bond that I should because he was never there.
Therefore, I have always advocated to all of the people in my life, male or female, that both parents are important for the kids to have relationships with.
I still to this day do not feel like my father is in any way a parent to me. I did send him a text on Father’s Day. But when he tried to call that day, I couldn’t even answer. I really had no desire to talk to him. The more I work on myself and realize my worth. The more frustrated I become with his absence. I cannot control his actions, only my own. So, I chose peace. I choose to not allow myself to put energy into someone that doesn’t put energy into me. Even if he is biologically my parent.
For the men that read this please whatever you do be present. No matter how bad it hurts you or stresses you. Be present for your kids. Make the effort to call, show up, celebrate holidays, and spend time with your children. If you choose not to do this, then leave them alone until they come to you. For the love of all things do not try to parent them! They do not see you as a parent if you have been absent their whole life. They are not going to respect you as a parent, nor appreciate your parenting tactics. If you are completely absent well into their teen years, do not expect a warm welcome.
For the ladies: Do not! I mean it DO NOT let your personal feelings about your exchange your children’s lives for the worse. Let their father be a father. They need it even if you don’t think they do. Unless of course there is actual real abuse going on by their father. Then of course no do not! Keep your babies safe. But do not make up abuse to get back at your ex. You are only hurting your children, instead of protecting them.
My counselor said to me once that a kid “doesn’t know, what they don’t know”. In the context of this conversation, we were talking about co-parenting. If a kid does not get to experience both sides of their family’s love, the different family traditions, and activities they may never experience with you that they could enjoy, then they have no idea what else life has to offer them. If you are keeping your child from the other parent, you are cheating your child from experiencing everything life can offer them.
I am so thankful for my mom. She did the best she could with a completely absent man to raise me. She didn’t talk bad about him to me, until I got older. She just focused on herself and raising me. She tried to locate him several times during my life with no luck. When she did find him once I was 12, and my grandma took me to Alaska to meet him. My mom could have not allowed this. For gosh sakes the guy had been MIA for 12 years. But she took the high road. Did what she thought was best for me and let me go. Ladies use this scenario as a lesson.
I absolutely hated my ex-husband when I was going through my divorce. My kids refused to go visit him because of his living situation at the time. I still encouraged them to have a relationship with him during that time. Even though it felt like a piece of me was being removed every time they spent time with him, I knew it was best for them. When they refused to call him to invite him to things, I would do it for them. Not because I thought he would show up, or that I wanted him there, but because if he did show up it would make my kids happy. When he would show up, I would always say hi and make small talk about the kids. This little act was so hard on me, but so good for my kids.
My kid’s situation is a little different. They were in middle and high school when we got divorced. They had both parents in their lives for a majority of their childhood. I know it still had a negative effect on them. But I hope that they have less emotional damage than I did.
18.4 million children live in an absent father situation. Which leaves these 18.4 million children at risk of living in poverty. Please do your research before you decide to be absent from your child’s life. This website has some great information Father Absence Statistics (fatherhood.org). The toll having an absent father can have a child is terrible and lifelong. Remember there are no takebacks. We only get one shot at life and no do-overs. Think about your decisions before you make them.
Ladies, when you are working on yourself, especially as a mother, make sure you are doing what is right for your kids. It is not always going to be easy. Some of the decisions you make that are good for your kids are going to make you feel like a hot mess. But I promise you when you look back and realize a sacrifice on your end to better your kids is absolutely being a goddess. The way we handle things is so important. It is okay to feel lost, scared, mad, confused, vengeful, or whatever emotion you want to feel. But identify the emotion, what is causing it, and work through it. Keep working through it, until whatever makes you feel this way, doesn’t make you feel that way anymore.
I still to this day have to very consciously work on advocating that my kids have a good relationship with their father. My daughter is 20 and my son is 16. This is still a struggle. But it gets easier the closer you get to goddess mode.
A little twist to end this one, just because it is so exciting. We can finally announce my daughter and her boyfriend are having a baby! My grandbaby will be here December 2023.
Keep working toward your best self everyday. Accept the hurdles for what they are, and keep moving forward. There will be bumps along the road on your trip from hot mess to goddess.
