Let’s start off by celebrating our anniversary.  It was exactly one year ago today, this blog began and  I posted my first entry! It’s been an amazing year of growth and inspiration. 🙂

Okay let’s just take a second to really focus on our families.  Who do you consider family?  Who do you consider extended family?

For me family is my kids, my grandbaby, my closest friends and their kids.  I did however look up the actual meaning of family from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/family:

1

a

: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children

also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family

a single-parent family

b

: spouse and children

want to spend more time with my family

2: a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head : HOUSEHOLD

Now if we take the actual definition of family, I would guess there are many of us that would decide we don’t have “family” per definition.  I know several people that are not living with anyone, do not have children and no significant other.  Does this mean they do not have family?

So let’s talk about extended family.  For me extended family is siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.  You get my point.  

I truly believe that family can be built over time and is not defined by blood.  I am sure a lot of you will come at me for this and that is fine.  Family is the people in your life that support you and love you unconditionally.  They pick you up in your bad times, cheer you on in your good times, and walk beside you in your idle times.  I can tell you I have non-blood family that has supported me far more than my blood relatives ever would have even thought to.

I hear people say all the time that someone’s poor actions are a result of their upbringing.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  We all have choices to make and are responsible for those choices.  According to this theory I should be addicted to drugs, a raging alcoholic and breaking the law daily.  Instead I chose to take my poor upbringing and use it as a lesson of how I didn’t want to live my life.  More importantly I knew what I did not want to do to my own children, or ever have them experience.  

I choose not to have a relationship with my siblings and parents.  I know some of you are just completely appalled right now.  But let me tell you something.  When your blood relatives cannot respect you, are toxic, verbally abusive, mentally abusive and just flat out not loving….time to cut them out.  Blood or not, it does not give any one the right to treat you poorly.  I went through decades of a sick cycle of abuse and forgiveness with my mother.  Finally at 40 years old I drew the line in permanent marker.   Enough is enough.  While my decision came with some consequences, I am comfortable and secure with my decision.

What can make a person shut their blood out?  Shouldn’t we show forgiveness? But they are family!  Can it really be that bad?  Wow, how could you do something like that?  

Yes I have heard it all.  I used to let those comments and questions make me second guess myself.  Instead of staying true to myself.  Choosing my own happiness and peace over judgements from others.

I had a counselor tell me one time that it was never my parent or sibling I missed during the stages of not talking to them, it was the idealization of the relationship I wanted with them I missed.  Even though it was never there.  I had created a fantasy in my head of what I wanted that relationship to be like, which is what I chased and “missed”, every time I wasn’t talking to them.  

If you are in a cycle of getting along with family and then complete toxicity to the point of not talking for days, weeks, months, or even years.  Then going back to talking again.  Please analyze this.  Make sure that you are not in an abuse cycle. I spent the majority of my life being torn down verbally by my family.  I would stand up for myself, there would be a huge blow up, then no contact, then contact again.  Everything would be fine for a while, then right back into being torn down, blow up, no contact, then contact again.  Over and over on repeat for over 15 years.  I finally have shut it down.  I am not going to continue this cycle.

We all deserve peace and happiness.  If the people in your life are not adding to the happiness and helping with your peace, they do not deserve a spot in your life.  Someone asked another person close to me last week “so she is just completely alone?”  I literally laughed out loud when I heard this.  I do not live a stereotypical life, far from actually.  But I am happy.  I have my kids and my grandbaby.  I have a fantastic friend group that is continuing to grow.  I have a great job.  I am honestly happier now than I have ever been, that I can remember.

Had I known that all it took was setting boundaries, self care, self love, and being selective was the key to happiness and peace I would have followed through on those things a long time ago.

Family is such a big part of our lives.  Due to how in-depth this can get I am going to do two parts on family.  Stay tuned next week for Part 2.