If you are a mom, you can relate that being a mom is not for the faint of heart.  Not a single person in this world can bring as much joy, pain, excitement, sadness, pride, and love to your life as your children.  For a lot of us, they are the reason we do almost everything we do.  I once had a co-worker who was expecting a baby ask me, “You seemed to do a good job raising your kids.  Any pointers?”  Here is my answer to that everytime.  They do not come with manuals.  We are all trying to figure it out as we go.  Just do the best you can, make sure they know you love them no matter what and hope they turn out okay.

Here is the thing about parenting.  We do not own our kids.  We do not control our kids.  Our job is providing guidance and support.  Each person is individual to themselves.  It is important to let our kids be who they are and not try to change them.  Support them in their decisions and pick them up when they fall.  A lot of us, out of fear, try to control everything that happens when it comes to our kids, in order to protect them.  I’m sorry to tell you, this is not protecting them.  This is not preparing them for success when they get out in the big bad world, they will get eaten alive if we are constantly “protecting” them.

Am I saying that we should just let our kids do whatever they want and only be there to pick up the pieces?  Absolutely not!  Better yet guide them, teach them, support them, and respect them.  There is absolutely zero reason to talk down to a child.  This includes calling them names, demeaning them, making them feel inadequate and making them feel like they are not good enough.  We all need to remember that kids are sensitive beings. 

Being a single mom is one of the hardest things to go through.  The cycle is brutal.  Going through a breakup is hard enough.  But now you have to take care of these children by yourself, most of the time with the other parent breathing down your neck about not doing it right.  After having your children with you 24/7, you now have to let this child go see the other parent without you.  The first couple of months of visitation are brutal.  The ache you feel missing them while they are gone, the loneliness.  Over time it gets easier, and you start to reinvent yourself.  Not as a mom, but as a person.  What do I like to do?  Who do I want to be?  Yes, this is about the time we start dating again.  Now visitation times aren’t so hard.  We have this new person or people to entertain us while the kids are with the other parent. 

Now here is where a lot of us women get into trouble.  Please remember this, the person you are dating is dating you not your children.  This person’s job is to show the kids what mom looks like happy, not try to step in as main parent.  Every child has two parents, while some are lucky enough to have bonus parents along the way, this is not always the case.  Ladies please be very careful who you let in your children’s lives.  While you are loving, not being lonely and fulfilling that family feeling you crave.  Watch your kids closely.  If they start to slip bad attitude, not wanting to be around the person you are dating, showing signs of depression, anxiety, slipping in school, hiding in their room, not talking to you the way they used to and expressing frustrations about the person you are dating.  Your children only get one childhood.  Believe me they grow way to fast.  Enjoy your kids while they are still living at home with you.  Cherish every moment.  There will always be time for dating later.

When my kid’s dad and I divorced, my self esteem was at an all time low.  We had been married for 17 years; he was a habitual cheater.  After being married with what I thought was the “perfect” family for over half my life.  Now I was alone with two kids.  I had no idea how to navigate this.  My kid’s dad refused to even take them for visitation at this point.  It was full year from the time we split until he took my son for his first weekend visitation.  I was trying to figure out who I was, but still be a full-time mom.  Trying to heal my broken heart, and help the kids heal as well.  During this time period he was drinking a lot and would only call late at night to start a fight with either me or my oldest child.  I spent countless nights consoling the kids after a late-night phone call from him.  I was beyond exhausted during this time-period.  Yet I was continuously being scrutinized by him and his family.  Nothing I did was right, or good enough.  Even though I was the only providing for, showing up for, and supporting our children. 

Here is where I got into trouble.  Instead of taking time to heal and focus on my kids I let the loneliness take over.  I just wanted that family life that I had known back.  I started navigating the dating scene.  Wowzah! I had not dated in 17 years.  This was a whole new experience for me.  The combination of the excitement of the attention, the increase in my self-esteem, and the chance at a “family” again made me move way too fast.  After only six months I was in a relationship again.  The thing that made me fall in love with this man the most, is he was such a great dad to his kids and really treated mine just as good.  What I was missing was my kids telling me that they didn’t really like him, but in subtle ways.  I was so busy seeing the good, I wasn’t listening to them.  I stayed with this man for almost four years.  Over time I started to see more and more of what my kids were trying to tell me but left it alone.  This man was not making me or my kids happy, but I refused to see it. 

This man not only was treating me poorly but had now started to really treat my kids poorly.  Mama’s, we have to keep our eyes open.  We must focus on our well-being first and foremost, but that of our children’s as well.  It took me 8 months of counseling to see that I was being emotionally and mentally abused.  The sad part is I would have stayed and endured it.  Yes, I know that is not even close to goddess mode.  But the way this man treated my son.  That was my last straw.  Yes, our kids do save us from ourselves sometimes.  I have learned so many things since I left this man too, that makes my heart ache.  I cannot believe I let me son go through this for two years of his life.  I failed my child.  This is the most terrible feeling a mother can ever feel.  The sad part is I saw the change in my son, the sadness on his face, the hibernation in his room, the decline at school and I ignored it all.  Complete parenting fail!

Mama’s all we can do is move forward.  Own our mistakes and try to do better.  Before this man and I got together my kids and I had a bond like no other.  We would spend hours going on road trips blaring music, always had music playing at home, went for drives for no reason, went out to eat, played sports in the house, just really enjoyed every second.  Always smiling and laughing.  Coming up with some random thing to do, just because we could.  Cake fight? Okay! Bowling with empty pop cans in the kitchen? Okay!  Midnight trip to McDonalds? Okay!  None of things were wrong and they made us happy.  I let this man take all of this away from us.

During the two and half years we cohabitated with this man, my daughter who had graduated from high school and moved out on her own, completely quit coming around.  I only saw her on special occasions and holidays.  I knew there was something wrong, but still I stayed.  My house went from the kid hangout to no one coming around or calling.  My son refused to bring friends over to the house.  The random late-night drives, trips to McDonalds, music always playing, our freedom to be who we wanted and do what we wanted ended.  How could I let this happen to not only me, but my kids too?

I let things go way to far.  Mama’s listen to your babies.  Watch them and have open conversations with them.  Pay attention to signs.  When I realized all of the above-mentioned things I should have walked then, but no, I let it get far worse.  This man had the audacity several times to threaten to kick my son out of our house.  That is my child, sorry but if he leaves, I leave.  If my son asked him to do something he would give him attitude, or completely refuse to do it.  Not just occasionally, every time!  My son loves LED lights, as most teenagers do.  He has them on his vehicle and in his room.  When we lived with my ex this was a huge fight.  My son would leave his LED strips on.  My ex would go downstairs with no other purpose than to see if they were on at least three times a week.  Not only would he turn them off but unplug them.  I had tried to explain to him it only costs $.005 per day to run those lights.  That is $0.15 a month.  I really didn’t see the big deal.  If he was leaving all the lights on in the basement fine get after him. But these LED lights why the battle.  Anything and everything I said fell on deaf ears.  I know as parents we all go through periods where we must pick our battles.  This was not a battle worth picking.  Parking was a huge battle.  He would make up by day where my son could park or not park his truck.  It was constant guessing, and walking on eggshells, what was my son going to get bitched at for next.  I felt like my son could never do anything good enough for my ex.  I finally realized if I felt this way, imagine how my son felt.  Why was I allowing this to happen to him?

My son has a truck that is literally the love of his life.  Watching him care for this vehicle, put the time, money, and effort into it really is something amazing.  I used to beg my ex to just show a little interest in what my son was excited about.  Just pretend to care to make my son feel heard and not crush his excitement.  He literally could not do it.  If my son was super stoked about something he was planning for his truck, my ex would crush his dream with some sort of negativity about his idea…Every time!  Why?  Just why?  He would meet his ideas with “That is fucking stupid.”  “How fucking dumb are you?” “You can’t do that.” “Why would you want to that?”  “Are you fucking retarted?”  Yes, this man talked to my son like this all the time.  Completely unacceptable!

We took the boat out one time.  My son was fishing, and his line kept breaking.  He got frustrated and slapped his pole on the side of the boat.  I told him to take a break and come sit with me to cool off and then I would help him.  So that is exactly what he did.  As soon as he sat down next to me, my ex looked at him and stated, “Come on you whiny little baby, you can drive the boat, so you stop whining.”  Okay, where in this situation did it have anything to do with driving the boat?  At that point our time on the boat was ruined and we headed back home.  When we got home after a completely silent ride back, my ex proceeded to tell me that my son was out of control and needed to go live with his dad.  Umm..No!  This was the day I started planning my escape.  He had already threatened to kick not only my son out, but me several times.  This was 6 months before I actually left.  Things got so much worse after this.

Bottom line is this ladies, if someone is calling your kids names, threatening to kick them out, nit picking their every move, talking down to them, telling them all their ideas are stupid, and treating them like they can’t do anything right…Run!  Get your children out of that situation as fast as you can. 

But there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.  As soon as we moved out, I got my son back completely.  He laughs again, he smiles, he jokes, he is comfortable, and confident.  Him and I are closer than ever.  My daughter came back.  She showed up the day I moved, and we have reconnected again.  She comes over at least 1-2 times a week to hang out, we go on shopping dates, out to eat, whatever we want without negativity.  She calls with the silly little questions all of us moms of grown children live for.  At my house we have kids over again.  We listen to music, go for pointless drives, leave the LED lights on, park where we want, burn candles.  I am working on teaching the kids to country swing dance.  We dance on the counter for TikTok trends.  Of course, we live where it is winter most of the year, so we outsmarted winter this year.  We set up cornhole boards in our living room.  Does this sound crazy to some?  Of course, it does.  But we are just living our best life to the fullest.  Doing what makes us happy.  We are not harming anyone or anything.  There has been more laughter and light in our lives in the last four months, than we had for almost four years. 

Ladies DO NOT let a man take your light, or the light of your children.  Do not let someone control you to the point that you lose a child over it.  Do not give up the joys and traditions you have with your kids to please a man.  Our duty first and foremost is to put our kids first.  If a man cannot accept your children for who they are, they are not the man for you.  Your children only get one childhood, make it a memorable one.  My counselor told me once my children have a mom and a dad.  It was exes’ job at the time to be my son’s friend and show him what mom looked like happy.  He failed epically!

I know change and the unknown is scary.  But so worth it in many cases.  Do not stay in hell, when heaven can be waiting just around the corner. Love yourself and protect your kids.

If you are going through something I want to hear from you.  My goal is to support all women in all walks of life.  Message me on social media or email me at [email protected].